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The past blasts me at last

Last week I had reason to take out a diary of mine from 1987, from when I was a freshman in college. Back then I was doing all these cool things, and I dragged out the diary because I'm helping a curatorial intern compile info for a future museum show. (Let's side step the fact that one day I may look back and be forced to admit that the only thing I ever did that was museum worthy happened when I was only 18 and it was all downhill from there.) What amazed me was to read my complaints from 1987...they are almost identical to my complaints today! Even at 18, I was fretting about how I have to be the proactive one in keeping friendships going, and worrying that I will never achieve anything noteworthy in my life. I was bitching about this when I was in the middle of an incredible, busy, full life, that involved getting paid to read my poetry to people, appearing on the cover of a local magazine, having a newspaper article detailing one of my gallery shows and another about a performance art piece, and having a skate punk band play at my 19th birthday party. Wow, if I thought things sucked then, I really had no idea what I was getting myself into when I slid into the anonymity of middle age, where it seems like everyone I know is either sick, nursing an aging parent, working their souls into the ground or flailing their way through parenthood.

What I've learned in recent weeks is that path to misery is lined with egotism. The more I think about myself and what other people are doing to me -- or not doing for me -- the more unhappy I become. The solution, I suspect, is in service to others, while expecting nothing in return. Expectations exist to be shattered, so if I reduce or eliminate expectation then I can just live in the moment and enjoy what comes or doesn't come. I'm trying to be optimistic that this will work for me, but what would life be if it wasn't a struggle?



( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
Jun. 14th, 2012 07:20 pm (UTC)
Wow, those are awesome things you had going O.O. But sometimes, no matter how great things are, we can still worry/fear things, so don't be to hard on yourself dear. And you have to remember that with the way your parents treated you, it makes sense that you would have certain things that you worry about/feel frustrated about, more so than those who haven't had those kinds of parents.

Your thinking is always very interesting, and sometimes a bit hard to follow, maybe because I'm not the brightest crayon in the box XD. But I think that the idea of not expecting anything from people is good in one way. It's good for your health to not worry to much about things that can't be changed... but at the same time I believe that every good relationship should be atelast fairly balanced. So if you give alot of yourself to others, then they should give something back, in some way...
Sorry if I'm not making sense ^-^;.
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )


Hanamatsuri, Inuou


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